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Your questions, her answers.
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For years readers of my work have asked for a place where they can anonymously submit questions and receive answers, sort of like an Ann Landers/Dr. Joyce Brothers combination, so here it is! If you would like to have your personal or relational issues addressed here please click here. When you do, an e-mail box will pop up. To protect confidentiality I will remove ALL identifying information and use pseudonymns, and even new professions, places of work, or town names if necessary. In short, I'll make sure no one knows it's you! In addition, I will edit for length and clarity. With that in mind, send in that question! Disclaimer: I answer the questions based on the information received, which often is not a lot. This is not a replacement for individual therapy. If you are having difficulty coping in your life you probably need face-to-face mental health therapy and should make an appointment with me or another qualified mental health professional.
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| Dr. Becky Whetstone |
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Wife Asks: If husband is looking at Internet smut, is it cheating?
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Dear Dr. Becky, I am about to divorce my husband of 17 years because it seems that he is cheating on me by looking at photos of other women on the Internet. Do I need to tell you these women have no clothes on? I am heartsick over this betrayal of our marriage, but he keeps telling me that he is simply a normal man looking at dirty pictures of women. He insists that all men do it, and I find that hard to believe. To me, it feels like he wants these women over me, and it also feels like cheating. I need to know, do all men look at porn? Is it normal like my husband says, or am I just clueless? Even if it is normal, I have to say I don't like it, and I don't want it. If it is normal, can a man stop doing this? Signed, Betrayed in Texas
Dear Betrayed, The answer to your question about whether or not looking at porn is normal for a man is, it depends. There is a continuum that runs from "normal" looking, which be definition means the looking doesn't interfere with relationships and work, etc. At the other end of the continuum is serious porn addiction. Just remember, though, that not looking at porn is not on the continuum at all for most men, so yes, I'm afraid that looking is normal for a majority of men.
When it comes to looking at things like that, men and women are different. Men are visually stimulated creatures, and the female gender is not – show the average woman a photo of naked man and she will yawn. The normal healthy male, however, thinks about sex dozens of times a day, and will probably seek out visual stimulation in the form of photographs, magazines, videos, or whatever else is available, on a fairly frequent basis. In the old days a man might buy a magazine like Playboy and keep it hidden, but with the Internet offering a wide variety of erotic visuals, many men report that they now use that exclusively.
Men describe that they can look at these sexually stimulating visuals and derive pleasure from them without feeling any emotional connection whatsover with the subject of the photo. To a married man, it does not feel like cheating at all, but of course, to the wife often it does. I recommend to clients facing this problem that the wife come to terms with what it is to be a normal healthy male, and that the husband be as discrete as possible about it. To ask him not to do it is somewhat like asking a dog not to sniff another dog – it's probably not going to happen.
So what is a woman to do? I recommend that husbands and wives negotiate what is appropriate for them in this regard. Once a woman comes to terms with the fact that it's probably not reasonable to ask a man not to look at all, many wives say they at least want boundaries such as it not be viewed in the house. That's understandable, but whatever is decided, it is important to talk about it.
In addition, I need to reiterate that a man can become addicted to pornography. What to look out for is If he is drawn to it in a way that interferes with his relationship, work, or other important areas of his life. If so, then he has likely drifted into an area that can be described as addiction. In this case, he will need professional help and/or a 12-step program such as Sexual Addicts Anonymous (SAA) to break free of the compulsion. For spouses of sex addicts I highly recommend attending meetings especially designed for them. More information SAA meetings for addicts and/or their spouses, visit: http://www.saa-recovery.org/
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Worried mom from East Coast asks: "Should I let my adult son move back in?"
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Dear Dr. Becky, My son is 21 and gay, and I have raised him and my daughter alone since he was 7 and she was 5. I made the mistake of trying to be their friend instead of their mother. I asked him to move out of the house 6 months ago because he is using drugs and not working, and basically he was taking advantage of me. He has had a job now for the past 6 months but continues to use drugs. His living situation is a huge concern: He jumps from friend's house to friend's house and sometimes lives in his car. He wants to come back home because he says that it is my fault for not teaching him how to be an adult, and that it is my responsibility as his mother to let him move back home until he is ready to make it on his own. So far, I have refused, but it is tough! I worry about if he is eating or has a place to sleep. At least I know he has a job, and it's pretty clear that he is just not being responsible with his money. My questionn is, how can i continue to hold my ground and let him know that I love him and will not abandon him like his father did while at the same time deal with my guilt for not providing a better life for him? I did the best I could but now realize the mistake I made by trying to be a friend. My thinking at the time was that I was trying to make up for their father not being around, so made the choice of being a friend instead of being their parent.
Signed, Torn Mom
Dear Torn, Thanks for writing. I can sense the turmoil you are feeling, and I wish had easy answers for you. This is not a problem that can be solved in a paragraph or two of what I or anyone else might have to say. I will comment here, but highly recommend you get professional counseling. I recommend it because it can literally turn your life around, and right now you need that, and so does your son. One minute feeling guilty is one minute too long.
Now here is my reaction to what you have told me: First of all, your son is 21. He is responsible for himself, and that's the way that it is. You do not have to let him come back home if you do not feel it is in his or your best interest. Period. It sounds like he is playing the guilt card to break down your defenses with the hope you might let him back into the house. No doubt he is fearful of surviving on his own, but the only way a person can learn to do that is by facing the fear and doing it anyway. Or not. If he chooses not, then he will fall apart. As for you, listen to your gut ... and I think you are ... you know better than to let him come home now. Yes, of course tell him you love him and that ultimately you will not abandon him. (I sense that he is so tightly attached to you that he is afraid he cannot survive without you. This is something that counseling can help him overcome.) Tell him what you would have to see for him to be able to come home – I imagine that would be drastic improvement and an ability to be responsible over a fairly long period of time. Of course if he did that, he would not need to come home, because he would now have the ability to take care of himself. As far as the past, if he were my son, I would probably tell him that I have made a lot of mistakes, but I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. There is no positive purpose for reflecting on past mistakes other than to learn from them and move upward and forward. To dwell on mistakes made only drains a person's energy and anytime guilt and shame plays a role it is a guaranteed unhealthy thing for all involved. YOU must do work around this and get rid of any guilt or shame you might have. If you believe everything happens for a reason, then what lesson were you supposed to learn? Continue listening to your gut -- you have the ability now to help your son grow into a man. This begins with him taking responsiblity for himself and his choices.
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Marriage to cold man leaves woman feeling trapped
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Dear Dr. Becky: I have been married for 35 years and have two grown children. I recently started having an affair with a man who came to paint my house! It isn't a serious relationship, but I feel alive again when I am able to be with this man. Why did I have the affair? I think probably because my husband is cold and unavailable. He just doesn't seem to care about me at all. I am miserable in my marriage. My husband would never go for counseling and tells me to "get over it." Sometimes I feel like I am dying inside. I also feel trapped and like I can never be free. I have been a housewife for years and could never support myself. My husband says if we divorced, he would get everything. The man I am seeing is not interested in being together for a long term relationship. What do I do? Signed, Trapped.
Dear Trapped, I feel sad for you. The situation you described must seem to you like there is no way out, but if that's what you think, you are wrong. First, I sense that you may be depressed, and would recommend that you get screened by a mental health professional or a physician for this. It is difficult if not impossible to begin work on a serious issue if you are not working on all cylinders -- a depression works like that, it takes away your energy and motivation and keeps you from being able to fight for yourself. You need to get yourself leveled off so you will have the energy to do what you are going to need to do. Secondly, there seems to be self esteem issues going here. How do I know that? If you loved yourself you would not tolerate a relationship with a cold and unloving man. You would insist on getting what you need from the relationship. My recommendation to you is to get your mental health screening for depression, and then begin work on your self esteem. You can do this in a variety of ways -- self-help books, spiritual guidance through ministers or rabbis, etc, and of course, psychotherapists such as myself. You need to figure out who you are, what you love, what your passions are, what brings you joy -- this has nothing to do with others may have told you about yourself. Once you get to know you, you can learn to love you, and this will form the healthy base you need to make decisions about your life and marriage. With a healthy base you can begin to work out a plan so that you can become personally and financially independent if it comes to that. This may mean going to school, getting training, or trying out different professions. When you're feeling better. it will be time to make decisions about your marriage. If your husband won't go to counseling, then you have three choices: 1. Stay with him on the condition that he work on himself, 2. Accept that he won't change and stay, knowing that you will have to find happiness on your own, or 3. Leave. As far as the affair goes, I see that as your own cry for help. I never recommend affairs and have yet to see good things come from one. Use it as a wake up call to get the help you need and take steps to take charge of your life. You can do it.
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If I'm in my 40's, am I too old for school and switching my career?
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Dear Dr. Becky, I am 45, unhappy in my profession and want to do something else, but the question is, what? I have no idea what I would like to do, and I seem to know more about what I don't want to do. I have a college degree, but if I studied something else at this point in my life, I'd have to say I think I'm too old for more school. Are there any answers for me? Signed, SIck of what I'm doing.
Dear Sick, First of all, you mustn't tell moi (Dr. Becky) that you're too old to switch gears and go back to school at this point in your life because I entered graduate school at age 43 (after not being in college for 21 years) and finished my Ph.D. at age 48! Switching gears and going back to school was the best thing I ever did for myself, and guess what? I was not the oldest person in the counseling program at St. Mary's University. Therefore, I urge you to keep the possibility of going back to school an option. It is actually easier to do it now with entire libraries available on the Internet than it was in the dinosaur days of typewriters and having to find information by going in to the library building. Secondly, if you don't know what you want to do or what you are interested in, a good place to start would be by taking the Self-Directed Search by Dr. John L. Holland. You can take it online at http://www.self-directed-search.com/ and it costs $9.95. This will give you a good idea of where your abilities and interests lie. When I took the Holland test years ago, it said I was best suited for counseling and journalism, and that's exactly what I do, and it's also what I love to do. That brings me to step two in the process of figuring out what it is you want to do – ask yourself, "What things do I love, love, love to do?" You can know what these things are because when you are doing them you go into the "zone." By that, I mean your are completely absorbed while doing it and don't notice the passage of time. THAT is the type of thing you need to be doing professionally. Work was never meant to be something that is dreaded. It is supposed to be something we enjoy doing. If you are in a job you do not enjoy, it could cause you to experience depression or anxiety, so it is truly vital that if you are in a career situation that you are not happy with, that you create a plan to change it. That may mean running over the local college or university and taking one or two classes. Don't be afraid of that! I can tell you that I did not appreciate college in my 20's like I did in my 40's. I loved it so much that I hope to continue taking some sort of class for the rest of my life. Whatever you do, don't sit still and do nothing. Start moving your life forward right now.
2006 Copyright www.doctorbecky.com
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