Managed Separation ... noun. A concept created by San Antonio therapist Becky Whetstone to assist distressed married individuals who are considering divorce in finding clarity in their decision-making process, and to save marriages that otherwise would not be saved.
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You may need a Managed Separation if ...
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1. Either husband or wife has reached a point of stress in the relationship that he or she feels an urgent need to get away.
2. The person feels mired in anger, frustration, and disapppointment concerning the relationship.
3. The person is seriously considering divorce.
4. The person has doubts about whether or not divorce is the answer.
5. The person desires to make a thoughtful and mindful decision regarding whether to legally end the marriage, i.e. "I want to make sure it's the right/best decision."
5. The person is not sure if he loves his or her spouse anymore.
6. Is plagued by numerous doubts and uncertainties regarding the marriage and divorce.
Copyright 20008 www.doctorbecky.com
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Managed Separation
a serious concept for couples whose marriage is in serious trouble ...
"Managed separation is for couples whose marriage would absolutely, positively end in divorce otherwise ... it ensures a couple doesn't end a marriage that could possibly have been saved."
– Becky Whetstone
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| Managed Separation with a qualified Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist brings couples peace of mind that they didn't throw the towel in too soon. |
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by Becky Whetstone
Sometimes married couples need to separate.
Although most marriage and family therapists stand for marriage and wish every one could be saved, we know that not every marriage can or should be saved. Sometimes a married couple love one another, but feel so much anger and distress that one or both can’t see -- or feel -- the love and caring. What is really sad is that a legal divorce usually follows, and months or years after the fact one or both often look back at the end result and wishes he or she had waited longer to decide on divorce and had done more to save the marriage. And if you ask me, nothing is more tragic than to see a couple toss in the towel too soon, when a managed separation might have saved each from the suffering that’s sure to come with divorce and its aftermath.
In my work, I manage a lot of separations, and I like to do it, because I like hopefulness. So long as a couple is taking a managed break and not making any rash decisions concerning ending the marriage, I know there’s a chance the relationship’s health may be able to be restored. The problem is that managed separations require an amazing amount of self-discipline and self control, and in my experience, there aren't many who are able to pull it off – but maybe YOU can ...
Why separating on your own doesn't work.
There has been a lot of research on why the majority of couples who separate on their own, and then reconcile, usually end up divorcing. The reason it doesn't work is that the couple's marriage is tension-filled, and then they separate, but during the separation most don't do anything about working on the problems and issues that brought the marriage to the brink in the first place. Time apart warms the heart, and all of a sudden one or both miss each other, and in the missing the husband and wife focus on the wonderful things about the partner and experience amnesia about the annoyances. The cockles of the heart warm, a honeymoon period ensues, and the two reunite. But the honeymoon won't last because old wounds, hurts, and disappointments are still there, and little by little they will all reappear. Things said and done leading up to and during the separation will be used against one another, and now things are worse than ever.
What the couples who go through this learn is that the only way trust, confidence, and security can be rebuilt, and wounds healed, is by doing individual therapy and couples therapy.
Don't separate without a therapist to guide you through it.
In most separations, one person wants to take a break and separate, and the other person doesn’t. (Although the research shows that if the person being left was totally honest, he or she would have to admit to being unhappy in the relationship as well). When couples come in my office in this situation, the person being left usually pleads with me to convince the one leaving not to go, but I know that if one person needs that space and time away, it is vital that he or she gets it. I describe that feeling as a person who is drowning and desperately needs air. If the person drowning doesn’t get the air, I can predict the marriage will end in divorce, when there was a chance it could have been saved.
That’s why I encourage the person who doesn’t want the separation to go along with the managed separation. The reason I call it a “managed separation” is because it is a deliberate and focused plan that is enacted for the purpose of saving the marriage. This is opposed to an unmanaged separation mentioned above, in which two people spend time apart, only to reconcile having not done the work they needed to heal themselves and the marriage.
What's involved ...
In a successful managed separation, an agreement is worked out with the couple and a third party, such as their marriage counselor or trusted person. Here is what must occur:
1. The attitude adopted must be one of love, and not fear. A therapist can help you with this. For example, in my practice, if there is hostility between partners who are considering separation, we stop the conversation. I do a guided meditation to relax them, and once relaxed, we continue. It makes a world of difference.
2. Clear rules and boundaries are set forth regarding contact, visitation and details with children, dropping by the house, phone calls, text messages, who will mow the lawn, what to do when her or she gets a flat tire, finances, and dating.
3. The initial separation agreement should cover a time period of three to a maximum of six months. If a person can’t get clarity in six months, then it is fairly safe to conclude that the decision is NOT in favor of continuing the marriage. Also, this period is so difficult for the person being left that it is simply unfair to ask anyone to endure such an experience for a longer time.
4. Work out a plan for growth … this means individual therapy takes place throughout, and the couple meets for marriage therapy periodically – I usually recommend every two to three weeks – to check in on the marriage and to discuss frustrations, concerns, as well as hopefulness and stories of growth and understanding.
5. During a managed separation, I strongly encourage both parties to avoid dating. There is nothing like dating to dig a marital hole even deeper. By the way, if a third party is involved, meaning an affair is going on, all bets are off. The purpose of a managed separation is to sincerely and honestly work to save a marriage. Marriage counseling cannot be successful, and a marriage will not heal, when a third party is involved.
6. Once negotiated, the agreement is written down, and each party signs it.
Although the managed separation can be very successful if followed, it is easier said than done. That is why you need a qualified therapist to coach and help calm you through the process.
If you are thinking that your marriage may be close to the end of the road, but want to make sure, a managed separation may just be the type of resuscitation that will breathe life back into your relationship.
Blog with Becky about Managed Separation at http://doctorbecky.livejournal.com/2558.html
Copyright 2008 www.doctorbecky.com
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| NEW!!
By popular demand --
Dr. Becky's Copyrighted Managed Separation Agreement,* including provisions for custody of children.
For use by Becky's clients, therapists managing separations, and those interested in Managed Separations.
This is a 10-page agreement written by Becky that discusses the purpose and spirit of a Managed Separation (MS) and outlines the terms, rules, and guidelines of the MS. Couples embarking on a MS with Becky will want to download this and examine it before we embark on the first Managed Separation meeting. (Couples typically come in and talk about what's going on in their marriage the first time they meet Becky, THEN if a MS is indicated, the first MS meeting is set up.) If this is the case, it is helpful and time saving for couples to read over the agreement before that first MS meeting. After looking it over, make notes and highlight questions regarding it, and then bring it in to session where we will iron out any wrinkles. (Couples may download one form and make a copy of it for the other person.) Also, if you are not working with Becky and want to use a MS agreement with your Marriage Therapist anywhere in the US or the world - all the work has been done by a therapist experienced with MS, so you can be sure the agreement covers the questions that continually come up. Trust me, virtually no therapists will have such an agreement available for their clients as it would be extremely time consuming to prepare, so, if you decide on MS, your therapist will appreciate using this as a template. (Becky has purposefully not formatted it as read-only so that you and/or your therapist may edit and amend it to suit your own needs.) One last advantage for viewing the MS agreement form is that it allows individuals and couples to see what's specifically involved so you can discover whether if it's a viable option for you. Download the Managed Separation Agreement now ...
Cost: $50.
*Use with the supervision of your marriage therapist. Not intended for couples to use on their own.
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What is the commitment and cost of managed separation?
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Managed separation involves commitment. What type of commitment? Time, emotions, thought, energy, and yes, money. One of my managed separation clients recently said that the only thing more expensive than managed separation is divorce, and he's probably right. Divorce isn't only expensive from a financial standpoint, it changes numerous lives forever. That's why I implore couples to do everything they can to make sure their marriage can't be saved, because if there are still seeds of love and caring to be found, managed separation is the microscope that can detect them.
Since managed separation involves a three to six month therapy commitment, I offer a month-to-month package that includes everything that is typically needed. Following a successful managed separation, therapy will not be over. Accountability is an important part of the process, and couples will need to return (at a minimum) for monthly therapy sessions to ensure that the marriage's health remains stable.
The Package.
The initial assessment session to discuss managed separation is 90 minutes long, and involves husband and wife. The cost for this session is $250.
If it is agreed that we will proceed with a managed separation, we will schedule a 2-hour negotiation sessions in which the details and logistics of the managed separation will be negotiated. A non-binding agreement will be written out and signed for clarity purposes. The cost of the two-hour sessions is $360.
Once the Managed Separation is underway we begin the therapeutic process...
One-month Managed Separation Therapy Package recommended:
1. Once weekly 50-minute therapy sessions for each partner in the relationship, cost 150./each.
2. Twice monthly 50-minute marital sessions, cost 160/each.
If you decide on Managed Separation you will want to be sure your therapist is familiar and experienced with the process. If you have any questions or need more information call Becky Whetstone at 210-771-5939 or email becky@doctorbecky.com.
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